Before I was a Dad the only stressors I had in my life were
picking a lunch destination, remembering my wedding anniversary, wondering when
my high school band would reunite (Optimus Prime 4-ever!), hoping the college
video of me dancing to N'Sync's "Bye Bye Bye" never surfaced on
YouTube, keeping my softball on-base % high enough to satisfy SABREmetric fans
and watching the Cincinnati Reds bullpen implode.
That was it.
I wasn't worried about much because, quite frankly, I didn't
have much to worry about. Most everything else seemed fairly trivial. I led a
fairly easy life.
Now that I'm a Dad, my whole life is a giant hairy ball of
stress. From the minute I wake up to the minute I go to bed, all I do is worry:
Did I set the alarm early enough
to get the kids to the sitter's and me to work on time?
Did I already snooze the allotted
three times?
Did I actually wash my hair or
just imagine that I did? I honestly can't remember.
Did I brush the kids' teeth?
Did I brush my teeth?
Is it OK that I'm the type of Dad
that would let them stand in a bucket?
Is my wife walking around in a bra
because she's into me or because our 4-month-old just spit up all over her
shirt?
Should I take that slap as a
"our 4-month-old just spit up all over her shirt"?
Is eating that Dorito off the
floor a lesson to my kids not to be wasteful, or is it just disgusting?
Am I caffeinated enough to make it
until the kids' bedtime?
Do I have enough Doras recorded on
the DVR? Any space left for "The Big Bang Theory"?
Did I post any recent pictures of
my kids on Facebook?
Are the pictures getting a
reasonable amount of "likes"?
Will they get hurt? Can I keep
them healthy?
Did we make a birthday card for
Aunt Jennie?
Does the baby need a diaper
change?
Did I make something for dinner
that isn't named macaroni and cheese and
the kids will actually eat?
Did that guy just see me rocking
out to the Tangled soundtrack? Oh my
god, did he notice that my kids aren't in the car and that it's just me?
Do we really need to stop on the
side of the highway or can she "hold it" until we get home?
Will my kids get into good
colleges?
Will I be able to afford their
weddings?
Am I really cut out to be a
parent?
Am I setting a good example for my
kids?
Does the Karate Kid Crane Kick
really work?
Will my kids grow up to be good,
smart, kind, happy, respectful people who will take care of their old man when
he starts to lose his mind?
Did I kiss them goodnight?
At any given moment of the day, I'm worrying about at least
half of these—usually more. But you know what? I wouldn't trade the worry for
anything in the world. A close friend without kids once told me there are two
nuggets of truth every parent offered him about becoming a parent: 1) It will
drastically change your life forever and 2) It's the best decision you'll ever
make.
And they are right.
I couldn't imagine going back to my stress-free life. I
certainly miss hanging out with the guys playing epic games of Halo, and then
coming home and bragging about it to seduce my wife (only to find out that
Halo-domination doesn't rate highly on her list of turn-ons—I will never understand women). And I try to sneak out
occasionally to relive the stress-free "glory days." But the best
stress relief is a good hug from the people who count on you day in and day out
to carry the burden of stress so they don't have to.
That makes all the stress in the world worth it.
Of course, it sure wouldn't hurt if I received an e-mail
from my college buddy Justin assuring me that the N'Sync video has been
destroyed, set on fire, and buried at sea. Or, at the very least, edited to
include the disclaimer "We were drunk."1
1 We were also drunk when we watched the all-day marathon of
O-Town's "Making the Band," when we bought those sweet Hawaiian
shirts and anytime we used the word "gnarly." I swear. You wouldn't
believe how many Zimas we could pound.
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