July 23, 2013
Raising Daughters is ...
I've decided to start a new segment on this blog called "Raising Daughters," which is basically my excuse to come up with short, (hopefully) amusing MEME-style images for folks to enjoy and share. Here's the first of many to come.
July 15, 2013
The 5 Keys to Being a Good New Dad
I'd experienced other life changing moments before, like when I moved to Chicago and was banned from putting ketchup on my hotdogs, and when my wife, who obviously lost her mind, agreed to marry me (even if my proposal did involve a miniature bobblehead of myself). But these moments pale in comparison to becoming a dad, the most challenging life-changing moment any dude will experience. With three daughters and approximately 10,000 diaper changes under my belt, here's what I've learned about what it takes to be a good dad.
1. HAND OFF THE CAMCORDER TO SOMEONE ELSE.
You can record a lot of things, like the birth of your child and the moment they walk for the first time. You can record the Super Bowl too, but nothing beats the live experience. I remember when my eldest daughter crawled for the first time. I raced around the house trying to find anything to record that moment. In the meantime, I was missing it. So I stopped, and instead of recording a video, I recorded a wonderful memory. I took in the surroundings and sounds, like how she let out these little puffs of air with each "step" and how she completely ignored the colorful toys around her as she determinedly set her sights on the TV remote that sat on the carpet across the room. Memories matter. Make sure you don't miss them.
2. WAKE UP AT 4 A.M.
Part of being a great dad is being there for the mother of your child, which means willingly getting up in the middle of the night to change a dirty diaper. Yes you will be tired. Yes you will get peed on. Yes you will put the diaper on backwards the first several times. But by taking an active role early on in the process, you not only will let your wife know that she's not alone in this but you'll also grow closer to your child. Plus, you'll have diaper explosion stories to tell your child's friends when she's older. This will teach her never to break curfew again.
Part of being a great dad is being there for the mother of your child, which means willingly getting up in the middle of the night to change a dirty diaper. Yes you will be tired. Yes you will get peed on. Yes you will put the diaper on backwards the first several times. But by taking an active role early on in the process, you not only will let your wife know that she's not alone in this but you'll also grow closer to your child. Plus, you'll have diaper explosion stories to tell your child's friends when she's older. This will teach her never to break curfew again.
3. MAKE TIME FOR FUNNY FACES.
The first 12 months of having a kid are the most difficult. Everyone's exhausted. The house is always a mess. The baby is figuring out her role in the family just as much as you're figuring out yours. Instead of getting caught up in panic and frustration, go out of your way to make funny faces at the baby. In the beginning it will elicit little response (other than the supermarket cashier who doesn't see the baby in your cart and thinks you're having a stroke), but one day, when you least expect it, the corners will bend and a smile will form between your sweet little baby's cheeks. Your heart will melt away—and so will any frustration you've had in adjusting to being a dad.
The first 12 months of having a kid are the most difficult. Everyone's exhausted. The house is always a mess. The baby is figuring out her role in the family just as much as you're figuring out yours. Instead of getting caught up in panic and frustration, go out of your way to make funny faces at the baby. In the beginning it will elicit little response (other than the supermarket cashier who doesn't see the baby in your cart and thinks you're having a stroke), but one day, when you least expect it, the corners will bend and a smile will form between your sweet little baby's cheeks. Your heart will melt away—and so will any frustration you've had in adjusting to being a dad.
4. YOU'RE GOING TO SCREW UP. FORGIVE YOURSELF.
I've never heard of anyone ever bowling a perfect game his first time out. It takes practice. The same goes for being a dad. You're going to forget the diaper bag from time to time. You're also going to go to work with spit up running down the front of your shirt. Don't beat yourself up over it. You'll get better at being a dad with each passing day as long as you care enough to practice and learn from your mistakes (and there will be plenty of mistakes to learn from, trust me).
I've never heard of anyone ever bowling a perfect game his first time out. It takes practice. The same goes for being a dad. You're going to forget the diaper bag from time to time. You're also going to go to work with spit up running down the front of your shirt. Don't beat yourself up over it. You'll get better at being a dad with each passing day as long as you care enough to practice and learn from your mistakes (and there will be plenty of mistakes to learn from, trust me).
5. CELEBRATE YOUR VICTORIES.
I used to always dress my daughters in clothes that didn't match, mostly because I didn't know any better. This would drive my wife crazy. Now I'm proud to say that I still dress my daughters in clothes that don't match (seriously, I have no idea what color matches what color), but I do dress them in weather appropriate clothes, which I never used to do. It was a big victory for me. You'll find your own big victories along the way. Good dads celebrate their accomplishments. They also hug their kids a lot. Do both.
I used to always dress my daughters in clothes that didn't match, mostly because I didn't know any better. This would drive my wife crazy. Now I'm proud to say that I still dress my daughters in clothes that don't match (seriously, I have no idea what color matches what color), but I do dress them in weather appropriate clothes, which I never used to do. It was a big victory for me. You'll find your own big victories along the way. Good dads celebrate their accomplishments. They also hug their kids a lot. Do both.
The fact that you want to be a good dad is the first step. I
never imagined I'd be able to survive having a kid, let alone three daughters.
Now I am a total pro at painting nails and MC-ing fashion shows. All kids are
different, but the keys of being a good dad are universal. Enjoy this
life-changing experience and everything that comes along with it because, in
the blink of an eye, your child will be out of diapers and having some guy pop
the question with a bobblehead of his own. If you follow these rules above, your baby will always remember
you as a good dad—even if you still choose to put ketchup on your hot dogs.
ORDER NOW (GREAT GIFT FOR PARENTS): Oh Boy, You're Having a Girl
(A Dad's Survival Guide to Raising Daughters)
******
* Subscribe to The Life of Dad via email or RSS feed!
* Also, follow me on Twitter @BrianKlems. I promise to occasionally say funny things.
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June 21, 2013
Tips on Selling Your House When You Have Kids
This is the first time I’ve ever tried to sell a house. I envisioned it to be a fairly neat process: Spend a few weeks readying the house, put it on the market and watch as potential buyers soak up the bright, sparkly gleam of the hardwood floors.
Clearly, I am stupid.
Selling a house while kids live in it is one of the most difficult challenges you will face as a parent, ranking right up there with Potty Training and dealing with The Vomit Fairy. Every day is a battle to keep the house tidy. Kids see a clean room as a blank canvas, ripe for making an artistic mess of toys, clothes, milk spills and Cheerio crumbs. They have a radar for vacuumed rugs and break out the muddiest shoes to dance across them. And while it may take you 20 minutes to scrub all the dried pasta sauce and fingerprints off your glass dinning room table (I mean, seriously, how do they get hand marks underneath the middle of the table?), it only takes them one second to apply a sticker that’s impossible to remove.
Thanks to the misery of trying to sell our house with three kids under the age of six roaming the halls, I’ve developed five tips to help make life easier on all parents (with young kids) who are crazy enough to try and sell their house. Here they are.
1. Contain the kids in one room.
Kids are going to make a mess no matter where they are, so
it’s best to keep them all quarantined in one room—preferably at grandma’s
house.
2. Have a bag of snacks prepared at all times.
The most common hours people want to look at your house are
lunchtime, dinner time and naptime. If my kids aren’t fed and rested at their
normal times, they turn from adorable little angels into fire-breathing demons
who don’t listen, don’t behave and don’t want to listen to sports-talk radio
(UNTHINKABLE!). Having an emergency bag filled with pretzels, Pepperidge Farm
Goldfish and other tasty treats tends to go a long way in lulling the demons
into a mild roar.
(And before someone in the crowd says, “Why don’t you just
go out to eat?” know that we tried that—but eating at a restaurant every time
someone wants to look at your house will cost you more than your next house.)
3. Keep the trunk of your minivan cleared out.
There’s no real rhyme or reason as to when someone will
schedule a showing. They could give you 24 hours notice. They could give you 2
hours. Once we received a notice of 15 minutes. FIFTEEN MINUTES! We can't even get the kids from the couch to the car in 15 minutes. It's impossible to sweep all your
mess under the bed (trust me, I’ve tried). The next best thing is to quickly
swoop everything up and throw it in the trunk of your car. If you look in our
van at any given time, you’ll find at least three laundry baskets, a bag of
unopened mail, a box of toys and a sand bucket and shovel (in case I ever
decide to take an impromptu trip to the beach).
4. Make your kids help clean up the mess.
Take as much time as you need to laugh at that statement.
5. Accept that your house isn’t going to be perfect.
As you rush around in those final 15 minutes doing
everything you can to make the house immaculate (while still, somehow, finding
time to get yelled at by your wife for not giving your babysitter the bottle of
sunscreen that you were asked to give her 3 weeks ago), know that you will
probably forget something. It’s likely something small that no one will notice,
like a Lego on the bedroom floor or a sippy cup on the kitchen counter. Cut
yourself some slack. Trying to sell a house is hard. Trying to sell it while
children live there is near impossible. At least, that’s what I’ve learned.
I’ve also learned that children like to forget to flush the
toilet after pooping. Pray that’s not the “something” you forgot before rushing
out of your house.
ORDER NOW (GREAT GIFT FOR PARENTS): Oh Boy, You're Having a Girl
(A Dad's Survival Guide to Raising Daughters)
******
* Subscribe to The Life of Dad via email or RSS feed!
* Also, follow me on Twitter @BrianKlems. I promise to occasionally say funny things.
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June 11, 2013
What Every Dad Wants for Father's Day
But let me tell all the wives out there a little secret: There is something that dads want for Father’s Day. It’s not a “#1 Dad” mug or the chance to sleep in or Diamond Club tickets to Great American Ballpark (though we certainly wouldn’t turn any of those down). What dads really want for Father’s Day is recognition of how awesome we are. That’s all. It may sound silly, but it’s the truth.
Now I know what you’re thinking: How will I possibly get the kids to do this in time for Father’s Day? I mean, it’s been nearly 6 months and they still haven’t completed their Christmas thank-you cards! Have no fear, my motherly friends. To help you out I’ve taken the liberty to write the letter for you. Just have the kids sign it and give it to your husband. You’re welcome.
Dear Dad,
Over the past year it has become
abundantly clear that you are, without a doubt, the coolest human being
we’ve ever known. You are even cooler than the iPad that we fight over
every second of every day. We were going to buy you a tie that plays
music to thank you for being our dad, but instead decided to save that
cash and deposit it into a Money Market account that gets prime plus
one. Pretty awesome, huh? We also wanted to take a moment to let you
know what we love about you.
First and foremost, we love that you
enjoy snuggling with us on the couch and that you rarely complain when
we dig our elbows into your sternum in our efforts to get comfortable.
We recognize that this shifting can take up to 25 minutes, but once
the proper comfort-level is reached, we know you are just as happy as we
are—regardless of whether or not you can see the book that we’ve asked
you to read.
We love that you show infinite patience
when we need it most, like when we accidentally got marker on the couch
and when we broke the remote control to the TV, leaving it permanently
stuck on Dora for the entire month of February. We promise to show
this same patience in the coming year by accepting your responses to
questions like “Are we there yet?” and “Why can’t we eat at McDonalds every night? ” instead of asking them 17 times per minute.
We love that you bare superhero strength,
which we appreciate each time we fall asleep in the car and you carry
us up to bed. We’re not sure how you stay so strong, as your only source
of exercise (other than carrying us) seems to be lifting up the couch
so we can clear out all the toys that keep ending up under it. We’re
honestly unclear on how they get there in the first place, though we
suspect mom is to blame.
We love how rational you are and, based
on all the useless facts you know, we are convinced that you must be the
smartest person alive not named Doc McStuffins. You prove this time and
time again as you can tell us the jersey number of every ballplayer who
ever played for your favorite baseball team, including Todd Benzinger
and Wily Mo Pena. (And yes, we know you know that the answers are #25
and #26, respectively) It’s this wisdom that we shall strive to emulate
in school, in life and, most important, in our future fantasy sports
leagues.
We appreciate how hard you work to
provide us with things, like a food, shelter and Disney on Ice tickets.
We also know how tired you are when you get home, so we promise to work a
little harder and clean up our stuff so your feet aren’t subjected
to landmines and Lego Limp. Most of all, though, we want you to know
that we appreciate how much you love us and take care of us. No matter
how busy or exhausted you are, you still make time to play with us and
read to us and sing to us at bedtime. Your special blend of hugs and
kiss magically heal everything from scraped knees to sadness, and you’re
calm composed manner always eases our worries. Also, we know that you
occasionally take a dive when playing Candy Land. Thanks for that.
Finally, we love you so much that we
promise that, on this special day dedicated to dads, we will be on our
best behavior. We also promise to spend the day quoting your
favorite movies, like The Sandlot. For example: ”For-ev-ver” and “Heroes get remembered, but Legends never die.”
Dad, you are a hero and a legend. You are also tall.
Love,
Your Kids
Your Kids
1 It doesn’t matter what you say, she’s going to change and make you late.
2 Red alert: This isn’t a question, it’s most likely a passive aggressive way to get you to stop leaving globs of toothpaste in the sink. Whatever you do, don't pat her butt.
* This post originally appeared on one of my favorite sites, Family Friendly Cincinnati.
ORDER NOW (GREAT GIFT FOR FATHER'S DAY): Oh Boy, You're Having a Girl
(A Dad's Survival Guide to Raising Daughters)
******
* Subscribe to The Life of Dad via email or RSS feed!
* Also, follow me on Twitter @BrianKlems. I promise to occasionally say funny things.
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June 7, 2013
#DearDaughter Contest (WINNER ANNOUNCED!)
Congrats to Julie Wetz!
In case you missed the contest details, read below. Even though it's over, that doesn't mean you still can't post your #DearDaughter moments. I'd always love to read them.
*********************************************************************************
For the next few days on Twitter (and on this blog) in honor of the fast approaching Father's Day, I'm hosting a #DearDaughter contest where the winner will receive an autographed copy of OH BOY, YOU'RE HAVING A GIRL. Here's how it works:
Leave a tweet on twitter with the hashtag #DearDaughter
telling her something that's important to you as a parent. It can be funny,
sweet, sentimental—it's completely up to you. Here are a couple of examples of
tweets I've posted:
#DearDaughter One of my favorite moments is when we high-five and hug after a Cincinnati Reds win! [Click to Tweet]#DearDaughter Please don't date anyone with a number in the middle of his name. [Click to Tweet]#DearDaughter I plan to chaperone your school dances wearing pants that are the same length as your skirts. Keep that in mind when choosing a dress. [Click to Tweet]
All you have to do is participate to be eligible to win. I'll pick one winner
completely at random and ship it off to arrive in time for Father's Day. It's
that simple.
NOT ON TWITTER? HAVE NO FEAR. You can post your entry in the comments section here or email me your
entry at fozzie007@yahoo.com (yes, the email address is for real!).
DON'T HAVE A DAUGHTER? THAT DOESN'T MATTER. This contest is open to everyone, so don't be
afraid to join in the fun. You know people who have daughters. What do you
think THEY would say to them? What
would you say to a daughter if you had one?
Contest ends at midnight Eastern time on Monday, June 10,
2013 (CONTEST CLOSED). Winner will be announced Tuesday, June 11, 2013, here on this blog.
I'll be posting plenty of #DearDaughter tweets all weekend too, so I hope you join in
the fun. Can't wait to read the entries!
ORDER NOW (GREAT GIFT FOR PARENTS): Oh Boy, You're Having a Girl
(A Dad's Survival Guide to Raising Daughters)
******
* Subscribe to The Life of Dad via email or RSS feed!
* Also, follow me on Twitter @BrianKlems. I promise to occasionally say funny things.
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May 20, 2013
Tooth Fairy Cost Index: What’s the Going Rate for Teeth?
This sparked a heated debate in our house: What is the
Current Market-Value of teeth these days? My wife suggested it was $5 for the
first tooth, $1 there after. I thought 50 cents per tooth was more
reasonable—after all, it’s not like The Tooth Fairy is made out of money or owns stock in Google. And
my mom, who has little restraint when it comes to the grandkids, suggested
that, when taking into account inflation, teeth are going for $20 a pop.
(Though I think she may be artificially raising the price because a recent trip
to the dentist revealed a couple of her teeth are on the way out and she’s trying
to get maximum dollar for them).
So I decided to email The Tooth Fairy and ask. This wasn’t
easy for me. When my relationship with The Tooth Fairy ended, I was fairly
hurt. During that final visit I realized that she was amazingly
superficial—after all, she was only into me because of my teeth. Once my last
baby tooth was gone, so was she. The final quarter she left was basically an
"It's not you, it's me" note. I also think she stole my Pete Rose
autographed baseball.
But with her return fast approaching for my daughter, I
decided to email her and bury the hatchet. I mean, I'd hate for my daughter to
get below-market value for her teeth. We had a lengthy discussion that I had
planned to keep private, but thanks to Freedom of Information Act I am forced
to share with the Internet.
From: MetallicaFan314@yahoo.com (don’t judge me)
Hey Tooth Fairy,
Long time no chat. I don’t want things to be awkward between us. I just need to know what the going rate is for a tooth? My wife and I were curious, just so we know what to expect when you pick up my daughter’s tooth tonight (That’s right, she finally lost it!).
Anyway, just let me know.Brian
PS-Also, do you know what happened to my Pete Rose autographed baseball? I mean, it was there and then, poof, it was gone. Thoughts?
From: TheToothFairy@gmail.com
Oh, hey. I’ve been meaning to call, but I’ve been terribly busy these past 20-some years. You know, flying from house to house. Sneaking teeth out from under pillows. Business is HUGE. I’ve even hired an accountant. His name is Mark.No idea what happened to your baseball. Perhaps Santa stole it. I’ve never trusted that dude.T. Fairy
From: MetallicaFan314@yahoo.com
Thanks for the update. But you didn’t quite answer my question: How much is the going rate for a tooth? My wife and I have a bet going over this. If she’s right, I have to give her back massages for a month. If I’m right, I get the one thing every guy wants. You know what I’m talking about. Glee Season 1 on DVD.
From: TheToothFairy@gmail.comI really thought Glee jumped the shark when Finn and Rachel broke up. I mean, Finn is such a wimp.
From: MetallicaFan314@yahoo.comNo, no, Finn had to let her go because … wait, I’m not here to talk Glee. I’m here to talk teeth. How much do you leave under the pillow when you pick up a tooth? A quarter? 50 Cents? A Dollar? More?
From: TheToothFairy@gmail.comYou remember that time you lost your tooth and left me a note instead? “Dear Tooth Fairy, I lost my tooth and then really lost it. Could you leave money anyway?” That was a bush-league move. I wasn’t going to leave you anything, but then your Mom caught me trying to sneak out. I had no idea she knew so many swear words. I had never heard the term “asshat” before.
From: MetallicaFan314@yahoo.comI thought the note was sweet?
From: TheToothFairy@gmail.com
It wasn’t sweet. Hold on to your tooth!
From: MetallicaFan314@yahoo.comOK, that’s all in the past. Let’s let bygones be bygones. Please, just let me know, how much for a tooth?
From: TheToothFairy@gmail.comYou know how I determine the price of the tooth? When each kid loses their first tooth, the parents leave me a letter under one of their pillows instructing me how much to give the kid. The amount has to be reasonable, but it can be different for the first tooth, middle teeth and last tooth. So really, it’s up to the parents. They just have to let me know.
From: MetallicaFan314@yahoo.comI had no idea. Thanks for the heads up. I’ll be sure to leave a letter for you tonight.
From: TheToothFairy@gmail.comNo problem. Also, since you are letting bygones be bygones, I did take your Pete Rose autographed ball. Suck on that, asshat!
From: MetallicaFan314@yahoo.comI knew it!
UPDATE: You will be happy to know that my daughter received
$5 for her first tooth, but will be receiving $1 for every tooth moving
forward. Apparently my wife and I both wrote letters, but The Tooth Fairy only
reached under one of our pillows. And it wasn’t the awesome Transformers one.
ORDER NOW (GREAT GIFT FOR PARENTS): Oh Boy, You're Having a Girl
(A Dad's Survival Guide to Raising Daughters)
******
* Subscribe to The Life of Dad via email or RSS feed!
* Also, follow me on Twitter @BrianKlems. I promise to occasionally say funny things.
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