The Life of Dad: May 2013

May 20, 2013

Tooth Fairy Cost Index: What’s the Going Rate for Teeth?

My eldest daughter recently lost her first tooth. It had been wiggly for months, which gave me some time to prepare for my first encounter with The Tooth Fairy in more than two-dozen years. The last time she visited me, I was using these ridiculous (but awesome) tiny Transformers pillowcases. Now I use large (and manly) Transformers pillowcases. My wife is one lucky woman.

This sparked a heated debate in our house: What is the Current Market-Value of teeth these days? My wife suggested it was $5 for the first tooth, $1 there after. I thought 50 cents per tooth was more reasonable—after all, it’s not like The Tooth Fairy is made out of money or owns stock in Google. And my mom, who has little restraint when it comes to the grandkids, suggested that, when taking into account inflation, teeth are going for $20 a pop. (Though I think she may be artificially raising the price because a recent trip to the dentist revealed a couple of her teeth are on the way out and she’s trying to get maximum dollar for them).

So I decided to email The Tooth Fairy and ask. This wasn’t easy for me. When my relationship with The Tooth Fairy ended, I was fairly hurt. During that final visit I realized that she was amazingly superficial—after all, she was only into me because of my teeth. Once my last baby tooth was gone, so was she. The final quarter she left was basically an "It's not you, it's me" note. I also think she stole my Pete Rose autographed baseball.

But with her return fast approaching for my daughter, I decided to email her and bury the hatchet. I mean, I'd hate for my daughter to get below-market value for her teeth. We had a lengthy discussion that I had planned to keep private, but thanks to Freedom of Information Act I am forced to share with the Internet.

From: MetallicaFan314@yahoo.com (don’t judge me)

Hey Tooth Fairy,

Long time no chat. I don’t want things to be awkward between us. I just need to know what the going rate is for a tooth? My wife and I were curious, just so we know what to expect when you pick up my daughter’s tooth tonight (That’s right, she finally lost it!).

Anyway, just let me know.

Brian

PS-Also, do you know what happened to my Pete Rose autographed baseball? I mean, it was there and then, poof, it was gone. Thoughts?

From: TheToothFairy@gmail.com

Oh, hey. I’ve been meaning to call, but I’ve been terribly busy these past 20-some years. You know, flying from house to house. Sneaking teeth out from under pillows. Business is HUGE. I’ve even hired an accountant. His name is Mark.

No idea what happened to your baseball. Perhaps Santa stole it. I’ve never trusted that dude.

T. Fairy

From: MetallicaFan314@yahoo.com

Thanks for the update. But you didn’t quite answer my question: How much is the going rate for a tooth? My wife and I have a bet going over this. If she’s right, I have to give her back massages for a month. If I’m right, I get the one thing every guy wants. You know what I’m talking about. Glee Season 1 on DVD.

From: TheToothFairy@gmail.com

I really thought Glee jumped the shark when Finn and Rachel broke up. I mean, Finn is such a wimp.

From: MetallicaFan314@yahoo.com

No, no, Finn had to let her go because … wait, I’m not here to talk Glee. I’m here to talk teeth. How much do you leave under the pillow when you pick up a tooth? A quarter? 50 Cents? A Dollar? More?

From: TheToothFairy@gmail.com

You remember that time you lost your tooth and left me a note instead? “Dear Tooth Fairy, I lost my tooth and then really lost it. Could you leave money anyway?” That was a bush-league move. I wasn’t going to leave you anything, but then your Mom caught me trying to sneak out. I had no idea she knew so many swear words. I had never heard the term “asshat” before.

From: MetallicaFan314@yahoo.com

I thought the note was sweet?

From: TheToothFairy@gmail.com

It wasn’t sweet. Hold on to your tooth!

From: MetallicaFan314@yahoo.com

OK, that’s all in the past. Let’s let bygones be bygones. Please, just let me know, how much for a tooth?

From: TheToothFairy@gmail.com

You know how I determine the price of the tooth? When each kid loses their first tooth, the parents leave me a letter under one of their pillows instructing me how much to give the kid. The amount has to be reasonable, but it can be different for the first tooth, middle teeth and last tooth. So really, it’s up to the parents. They just have to let me know.

From: MetallicaFan314@yahoo.com

I had no idea. Thanks for the heads up. I’ll be sure to leave a letter for you tonight.

From: TheToothFairy@gmail.com

No problem. Also, since you are letting bygones be bygones, I did take your Pete Rose autographed ball. Suck on that, asshat!

From: MetallicaFan314@yahoo.com

I knew it!

UPDATE: You will be happy to know that my daughter received $5 for her first tooth, but will be receiving $1 for every tooth moving forward. Apparently my wife and I both wrote letters, but The Tooth Fairy only reached under one of our pillows. And it wasn’t the awesome Transformers one.

ORDER NOW (GREAT GIFT FOR PARENTS):
Oh Boy, You're Having a Girl
(A Dad's Survival Guide to Raising Daughters)

******
* Subscribe to The Life of Dad via email or RSS feed!
* Also, follow me on Twitter @BrianKlems. I promise to occasionally say funny things.

May 9, 2013

20 Things Every Mom Wants to Hear This Mother's Day

Moms have it rough. They have to put up with a lot of intolerable things, like stinky diapers, baby butt cream, toe fuzz, whining and The Disney Channel. They also have to deal with husbands who say things like, “OH MY GOD, THAT GUY IS TERRIBLE! HE’S TOTALLY RUINING MY FANTASY TEAM!” They do it with minimal appreciation and “thank yous”—and yet, after they drive off to run one of the many essential errands that moms always seem to be running, they still, for some reason unknown to the rest of us, come back home to the madness.

It’s a downright miracle.

If we want them to keep coming back, I think it’s important that we dads get our kids to show their appreciation. So I’ve created a list of 20 things that every mother wants to hear her kids say. I know if my kids repeated even 3 of these things, my wife would probably have a heart attack.

The 20 Things Every Mom Wants to Hear Her Kids Say

1. "I'm happy to eat whatever you've made me for dinner, even if it's broccoli. I know how hard you work to keep me fed and I appreciate it."

2. "Instead of screaming I've decided to sit quietly and think about all the amazing things you do for me. Wow, this is going to take awhile."

3. "When we go to the zoo I won’t run off on my own and, instead, will follow your instructions to 'Stay close.' I will also follow your instructions to "Not pick my nose and try to feed it to the elephants."

4. "I'll keep my shoes on in the car instead of kicking them off for no reason, causing us to spend 20 minutes hunting for one shoe that somehow is now lost under a mountain of travel Magna Doodles."

5. "Look! I didn't make a mess at the dinner table and kept all my crumbs on my plate! I never realized it was that easy!"

6. "I promise that when I sneeze I will, from now on, always cover my nose. I'm also sorry about yesterday, when I forgot to cover my nose and I sneezed in your face."

7. "No need to worry. Your iPhone is sitting right on the coffee table where you left it. I didn't touch it, nor did I kill your battery by walking around the house taking pictures of everyone's feet."

8. "I'm headed to the bathroom. No need to ask me or beg me or bribe me. I'm going because I know we have a long trip ahead of us and it just makes sense to try."

9. "I will wear the clothes you picked out for me and won't complain. In fact, I should thank you more often for not letting me wear shorts and a tank top when it's -5 degrees outside."

10. "I just realized it must be painful when I step on your feet as if they were part of the floor. I'm not going to do that anymore and, after careful consideration, will now look where I am walking."

11. "Would you mind if I skipped all the stalling that I normally do and go straight to bed? I know you've had a long day and could use a little down time and, perhaps, a glass of Merlot."

12. "Yes I remembered to flush after I pooped. I promise there will be no bathroom surprises waiting for you."

13. "Mom, you kick back and relax. I'll pick up all these toys that I've haphazardly left laying around the house. I'll even put them where they belong instead of shoving them under the couch."

14. "Because I've seen this episode of Dora more than 40 times, I'd like you to take the remote and watch something you'd like to watch. Perhaps Sophia Grace and Rosie are on Ellen, which would be a win/win for both of us."

15. "Look at that: I already brushed my teeth!"

16. “While you were doing the dishes, I took it upon myself to fold my own laundry and put them away in the correct drawers. I put yours away too.”

17. “I know I usually smush the Play Doh into the carpet, making it impossible for you to remove, but this time I was able to keep it all on the table..”

18. “I got myself dressed, combed my own hair and even had time to balance your checkbook. Good news: I found a clerical error in your favor and you’re now $20 richer.”

19. “I’ve decided to retire the Interrupting Cow knock knock joke.”

20. “Mom, you are the best and I love you more than anything in the world—even more than ice cream.”

[Like this post? Tweet it!]

ORDER NOW (GREAT GIFT FOR PARENTS):
Oh Boy, You're Having a Girl
(A Dad's Survival Guide to Raising Daughters)