Letter from a Dad to a Daughter: "My dear girl, the day you see I’m getting old, I ask you to please be patient, but most of all, try to understand what I’m going through. If when we talk, I repeat the same thing a thousand times, it's because I know you weren't listening the first thousand times. If you had been, I wouldn't have had to repeat it over and over again. And when you say, “You said the same thing a minute ago” I know you are lying about hearing it because your princess crown is still on the floor, not put away like I asked. PUT IT AWAY! Remember the times when you were little and I would read the same story night after night until you would fall asleep? You Do? I'm shocked, considering how poorly you listen to me. When I don’t want to take a bath, don’t be mad at me. Your mom is making me take it. Apparently getting into bed after a 7-inning softball game in 100-degree heat is frowned upon. Remember when I had to run after you making excuses and trying to get you to take a shower when you were just a girl? That wasn't my call, that was your mom's. I preferred to let you stink in order to keep the boys away. When you see how ignorant I am when it comes to new technology, give me the time to learn and don’t look at me that way... be patient with me. Remember, I've only had this iPad for about 20 minutes and, once I get all my apps downloaded and I unblock cookies, I'll be able to do fun things like post photos of me on Facebook wearing only jorts and Tweet all your friends to tell them when you are in the bathroom tinkling. If anything, you should be patiently rooting for me to learn more slowly, like I patiently rooted for you to do many things like eat your breakfast faster so I wasn't late for work. The day you see I’m getting old, I ask you to please be patient, but most of all, try to understand what I’m going through. If I occasionally lose track of what you’re talking about, it's because it doesn’t make any sense. You talk in code with OMGs and TTYLs and C3POs that come off as gibberish. Give me the time to remember the original point of our conversation, and, if I can’t, don’t be nervous, impatient or arrogant—that's my job! Just know in your heart that the most important thing for me is to be with you—at all times, even on dates with boys. Especially on dates with boys. And when my old, tired legs don’t let me move as quickly as before, give me your hand the same way that I offered mine to you when you first walked. Otherwise I will carry my shotgun in my wheelchair. When those days come, don’t feel sad ... just be with me, and understand me while I get to the end of my life with love (and promise that if you must get married, it's to a guy exactly like me). I’ll cherish and thank you for the gift of time and joy—I'll also thank you for the gift you helped me make your Mom for Mother's Day so she doesn't give us the stink-eye. With a big smile and the huge love I’ve always had for you, I just want to say, your crown is STILL on the floor! PUT IT AWAY! I love you... my darling daughter. Be extra nice to your mom on Mother's Day or else more photos like this will become public."
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