Should You Thank Your Wife for Heating up a Frozen Pizza?

Question: Should you thank your wife for heating up frozen pizza for dinner? This was a hot topic at my house on a recent Friday night. Most evenings we’re like any other family when it comes to preparing dinner: We make seven-course meals with mostly fresh fruits and vegetables and other healthy dietary options while drinking organic Jamba Juice¹, but on the occasional Friday night we take the cheap and easy way out.

On this particular evening, I requested frozen pizza for dinner. My wife, who arrived home early and was in a good mood because she was only minutes away from seeing my handsome face², heated up the oven and threw in two frozen pizza pies. My daughters and I arrived home. We sat around the table discussing the finer points of English language—namely when and where it’s appropriate to say the word “poop”—when the oven dinged and my wife dished out the frozen pizza.

Then there was an awkward moment. And an argument. A ridiculous argument over whether or not the girls and I should say thank you to my wife for heating up store-bought frozen pizza for dinner.

To settle our dispute I did what any self-respecting adult would do in this situation: I asked Facebook. 

Thirty-three people commented on the post. The answers ranged from this:

To this:



To this:



 
In fact, by a landslide 31-1 vote, the consensus (whatever that means) was that “Yes, you thank your wife for making dinner, even if it’s just heating up frozen pizza in the oven.” Many of the responses stuck it to me, with a “I can’t believe you would even consider not thanking your wife. You’re dumber than a slug!”³

One comment, though, wasn’t a vote. It pointed out an oddity in the question: “I'm still trying to figure out what science has to do with this.”

While the scientific note was mostly a joke, it did serve a slightly grander purpose: Everyone thought that I was arguing NOT to thank my wife. That assumption was dead wrong.

Every night when my wife makes dinner—whether it’s chicken parmesan, quesadillas, salmon and rice, macaroni and cheese, canned soup, or frozen pizza—I thank her. And I make sure all our kids thank her too. I do this because 1) I think it’s important to thank whoever put in the time (no matter how little time it takes) to prepare your dinner and 2) I want my kids to always show appreciation for their mom, someone who works tirelessly at a 40-plus hours-per-week job to help provide for them all while taking care of us (which is probably more exhausting than the 40-plus hours-per-week job). And just because on occasional Friday nights she’s too tired (and I’m too tired) to make a big meal, doesn’t mean we shouldn’t be showing our gratitude for the meal she did make.

So when the girls and I thanked her for making the frozen pizza, she—my beautiful, lovely, kind and generous wife—argued that we shouldn’t thank her for simply heating up pizza. I said that we should. She told me to stop. We actually fought about this for quite awhile. And, while I’m not proud of it, there was some name-calling:


Me: “You’re so unreasonable! Just accept our gratitude you clown!”
My Wife: “I’ll tell you where you can stick that thank you, you super-sexy piece of man meat!” ⁴


The point is, my wife fluffs off a lot of things because she believes that's just what you do for the people you love. I want her to know that we appreciate her, even for the simplest of tasks. And, thanks to modern marvels like Facebook, I proved that I’m right.

Which means that for the first time in the many years that we’ve been together and the many disagreements that we’ve had, I can finally utter the phrase, “I was right.” ⁵

So I’m going to continue thanking my wife when she makes frozen pizza (and when she does other things to care for our family, no matter how big or how small). And I’m going to make our daughters do it too. I guess she's just going to have to live with it, just like she lives with this super-sexy piece of man meat.





¹ This is a lie. We eat Burger King.
² This is also a lie. She was happy to have a few quiet minutes to herself before I brought all our loud kids home (though I’m sure my handsome face helped too).
³ Except for those snooty, elitist Ivy League slugs. Thankfully none of them read this blog.
⁴ Well, that’s what I heard anyway.
⁵ This is a big lie. I’ve been right twice before: 1) Bacon is not gross, it’s delicious and 2) watching “Who’s Harry Crumb?” with me repeating every line IS fun!

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10 Things You Need to Do at Disney World’s Magic Kingdom

Going to Disney World is a right of passage that many families go through. It’s a place where your dreams come true—if your dreams include having your photo taken with Rapunzel and spending $14 on a box of four tiny chicken nuggets. It’s also the happiest place on Earth, and here’s why.

Disney does everything right. They may take all of your money (and the deed to both of your kidneys), but they take careful care and consideration of the Disney Experience and really do give you an adventure that you can’t get anywhere else. That’s why I’ve put together the 10 things I think everyone needs to see or do or know about while at the Magic Kingdom. By doing these things, it's hard not to have a great time.

1. The Disney FastPass

Everyone who goes to Disney is eligible for a FastPass. FastPasses typically work like this: Instead of standing in long lines, you can sign up at kiosks around the park (and on your smartphone) and reserve a time to ride any ride that is eligible for the FastPass. The program lets you know what times are available to reserve (some rides book up quickly), and you get a limit of 3 per day day—which is amazingly fair if you think about it. Basically you’re cutting in line, but everyone is given the chance to cut in line a few times to make sure that everyone is able to ride what’s most important to him or her (and their family).

2. It’s a Small World

This classic Disney ride kind of encapsulates everything about Disney—its all-inclusive nature and how we can all connect with love, happiness and empty wallets. Seeing cultures represented from all over the world in a calming boat ride is a nice way to start your trip and introduce you to Disney. Also, I recommend only riding it once. The more you ride it and listen to that song, the more you get the feeling that the animatronic characters are going to murder you.

3. Watch Mickey’s PhilharMagic (& Any Other 3D Attraction)

We were blown away by how amazing the 3D technology is. In fact, it is so well executed that my middle daughter got scared and refused to wear the glasses because she was afraid Donald Duck was going to hit us with his flying carpet. The PhilharMagic is a must-see (and so is the Muppet Show in Disney’s Hollywood park).

4. Character Parade/Princess Parade

Officially called the “Move it! Shake it! Celebrate it! Street Party” and the “Celebrate a Dream Come True Parade,” these parades rotate throughout the day traveling up and down the main drag of the Magic Kingdom (the one leading up to it’s iconic Cinderella Castle). You .. er, I’m mean, the kids can dance with many of the Disney characters. So if you’ve ever wanted to shake it with Cinderella or line dance with Jessie the Cowgirl, this is your chance. I busted a move with Frozone from the Incredibles. It was awesome.

5. Enchanted Tales with Belle

Also known as Storytime with Belle, this event is one of the most impressive at the Magical Kingdom. Kids (and adults) get the opportunity to play the roles of the Beauty and the Beast characters and perform an (extremely) abbreviated version of the movie, and they get to interact with an animatronic Wardrobe and the famous Lumiere (both of which blew my mind). I offered to play The Beast, but apparently my acting skills were not up-to-snuff so they cast some fresh-off-of-naptime 4 year old to play the role. (I mean come on, that kid couldn’t even grow a mustache!)

6. Monster’s Inc. Laugh Floor

This is an animated show where characters from the Monster’s Inc. movies provide stand-up comedy. They poke fun at audience members (yes: on screen characters make jokes about people in the audience, whom they show on a separate big screen). It’s pretty funny for kids and adults alike. Also, while waiting in line, you can text jokes to the Monsters and a handful get used in the live show. Though they didn’t use my, “A screwdriver walks into a bar. The bartender says, ‘Hey, we have a drink named after you!’ The Screwdriver responds, ‘You have a drink named Kevin?’"

7. Pirates of the Caribbean

Disney has made billions of dollars on movies based on this ride, so you really can’t go to the Magic Kingdom without exploring the pirate life. Plus, if you pay attention, you can spot Johnny Depp, er, Jack Sparrow.

8. Meet Mickey

You can meet all the Disney princesses and characters that you want—and our girls wanted to meet most of them—but none of them compare to meeting Mickey. He’s really the star of the show. His mouth moves when he talks, which endeared him to some of our kids and freaked out others, and you get to meet him in an individual room, so don’t feel as rushed with him as you do most of the other characters (where you can still see the line of impatient kids waiting behind you).

9. The Electrical Parade

The Electrical Parade is an evening parade that takes place a couple times a week, where they shut down the streets/paths of the Magic Kingdom and have beautifully lit floats caravan throughout the park. It’s almost like they’ve taken the most wonderfully decorated houses at Christmas Time and put them on wheels. The parade has been around since I was a kid and it’s just as mesmerizing now as it was then.

10. The Castle Show

Shortly before the fireworks close down the park, music starts to play and the iconic Cinderella Castle in the middle of the part begins changing colors. It’s unbelievable. Images of characters float on the walls, as if the castle is some kind of humungous plasma TV that has curve and angles that display in high-def. Really, it feels like a Pixar movie is happening right in front of your eyes and it’s breathtaking. We went back to see it a second time and I was just as amazed as the first time. This show sums up the entire Disney experience for me: Simply magical.

Editor's Note: To clear up some confusion, I was not paid in any way by Disney to write this. I genuinely had an amazing time at the Magic Kingdom and thought this list of "musts" would benefit my audience and other parents, many of whom probably have a trip to Disney on their radar.

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Happy New Year 2014!

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Why Do Kids Scream in Pictures With Santa?

For 11 and a half months of the year our kids talk about Santa Claus as if he’s their best friend. They draw pictures of him. They write letters to him. They sing songs celebrating his arrival. They even discuss the assortment of cookies they plan to leave for him on Christmas Eve, which is hard to believe considering the only cookies they’ve ever left for me are half-eaten ones that fell on the floor.¹

So it makes no sense to me as to why, when given the opportunity to have their picture taken with Santa—a guy who leaves them presents of dollhouses, ipods, video games and more (no questions asked)—they cry and scream as if he murdered their puppy. (Which is odd because we don’t even have a puppy!²)

Every year we are fortunate to be invited to an event called “Breakfast with Santa,” thanks to our good friends (and realtors) at Coldwell Banker. This Christmas celebration has three of my favorite things: Donuts (awesome!), a magician (double awesome!) and a person who makes balloon animals (it’s like I’m in heaven!). For two hours I load up on sugar and entertainment, right alongside my kids, and hope that this glorious day never ends. That’s when Santa finally makes his entrance and my wife utters those same 14 words that always ruin my day:

“For the last time Brian, you cannot quit your job and become a magician.”

From a distance, my daughters all seem to be pleased that Santa has arrived. They clap like all the other kids. They even get in line to see Santa, smiling and laughing and telling us what they plan to ask for. Then it happens.

“OK, it’s our turn. Go sit on Santa’s lap.”

Suddenly they turn ghost white and look petrified, as if we had asked them to walk away with an axe murderer or, worse, a Cubs fan. They start screaming, “No Daddy! No Mommy! I don’t want to sit on Santa’s lap!!!” They grip onto my legs tighter than a pair of spandex, hiding their heads in the back of my knees and making it impossible for me to walk. I can only hope that, years from now, they have the same kind of reaction when boys ask them on dates.

As I try to pry them off, their grip only gets tighter. I make a reasonable case to them as to why they should sit on Santa’s lap (“I will give you all the candy you want!”) but that effort falls flat, mainly because evil creatures also known as “grandparents” have already been sneaking them candy all morning.

“I don’t like Ho Ho,” said my youngest, who only calls Santa that when she’s scared of him. Terrified tears come racing out of her eyes to match those of her 4-year-old sister, who isn’t a fan of the up-close-and-personal Ho Ho either. My eldest wasn’t crying, but the idea of sitting on some stranger’s lap didn’t really entice her either.

So I grabbed the kids and said, “HUDDLE UP!” I pulled them together like a quarterback pulls together his team when motivating them to push past their insecurities and help make the game-winning drive.

“Listen, your mom just wants one picture. ONE PICTURE! You don’t have to look at Santa. You don’t have to say anything to Santa. You don’t have to sit on his lap or even acknowledge the fact that came all the way from the North Pole to Ohio, which I'm sure had at least two layovers, just for you to ignore him. All you have to do is stand to the side of him and smile at the camera for ONE PICTURE. Can you guys do that for me?”

After hearing how important this was to me and how reasonable deal this deal was, all three of them nodded in agreement with a resounding, “NO!”

“Whoever stands next to Santa and lets mom take a picture gets to play Candy Crush on the iPad when we get home.”

And that’s the story of how we finally got the girls to take our annual photo with Ho Ho.

¹ And the answer to your question is yes, I still ate them.

² Though if we did, I’d like to think that we’d name him Zach Morris.

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Everyone Needs an Aunt Ali

With the amazing story of my sister-in-law, brother-in-law and niece/goddaughter showing up everywhere on the web recently (originating on the Today Show's Mom's memory lives on in sweet dad, daughter photos and being featured as a wonderful segment here), I thought I'd re-share this tribute to her. I'm as proud of it as anything I've posted to TheLifeOfDad, as she told me it was her favorite column I'd ever written. (I tear up every time I reread it.) Thanks to Ben and Olivia for keeping her legacy of love alive.

My daughters are incredibly lucky because they have three amazing aunts. They have my wife's youngest sister, Aunt Melanie, who is a professional photographer and is constantly taking great pictures of our kids. They have my sister, Aunt Jennie, who is a social worker and can explain to the kids exactly how awesome I have always been—oh, I was pretty awesome at 7 years old "flying" around our house in a Greatest American Hero cape. (Wonder if they make those in adult sizes?) And they have my wife's middle sister, Aunt Ali, who is … well, Aunt Ali is lot of things.

Aunt Ali is fun.

Aunt Ali is funny.

Aunt Ali is forgetful and will leave her phone at your house, even when the reason for her visit was to pick up the purse she left there the night before.

Aunt Ali is the best at making cupcakes—especially ones that look like animals.

Aunt Ali is a lover of cotton candy, and will sneak your kids some assuming she hasn't eaten it all on her drive over.

Aunt Ali is a magnificent manicurist, sculpting your daughters' dirty kid nails into beautiful little girl nails. A layer of Aunt Ali's polish later—purple for Ella, blue for Anna—and both girls feel grown up … and special.

Aunt Ali is a hilarious commenter on Facebook, making you laugh even when calling you "Uncle Creepo" (see here).

Aunt Ali is silly.

Aunt Ali is a good cook—so much so that you will actually want to eat your vegetables.

Aunt Ali is a Michael Jackson fan and makes your kids want to learn to moonwalk just to impress her.

Aunt Ali is an excellent housekeeper, helping you time and time again after each kid is born. She asks for nothing in return, save maybe a few minutes of holding your baby—and a few sugary treats.

Aunt Ali is good at sharing and letting her sisters “shop” in her closet every time they are in dire need of something pink.

Aunt Ali is almost always wearing pink.

Aunt Ali is seriously almost always wearing pink.

Aunt Ali is—wait, I don't think you understand. Roughly 98% of her wardrobe is pink. The other 2% are clothes she borrowed from her sisters and never gave back.

Aunt Ali is nicknamed UB by your friends, which stands for "Ultra Babe."

Aunt Ali is a great finder of the best kids books (except for the time she found us the bathroom book The Gas We Pass, which I've only kind of forgiven her for).

Aunt Ali is an excellent reader, with the perfect arm-length-to-book ratio, allowing room for a couple of kids to cuddle on in.

Aunt Ali is a hell of a lot smarter than she often gets credit for.

Aunt Ali is a great bargain shopper and can find deals on anything. EDITOR NOTE: This does not mean she actually spends less money (which her hubby would prefer), only that she buys more things (like terrible bathroom books for your kids).

Aunt Ali is a wonderful mother. 

Aunt Ali is a fan of bows and headbands and will buy hundreds of thousands of them for your daughters. If you aren't careful, she'll buy one for you too, even if your name is "Dad."

Most important, Aunt Ali is, and always will be, an important part of our lives.

If you were lucky, you had an Aunt Ali growing up. If you are luckier, your kids will have one. She does nothing but put smiles on the faces of everyone she meets. Aunt Ali memories are the best of the best and remind you every day how much you should celebrate life and love the people around you—even if that means you have to moonwalk across the floor and hug them with sticky cotton candy fingers.

Aunt Ali is an amazing person. That's why we all love our Aunt Ali so much.

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8 Reasons to Build a Snowman With Your Kids

You should never pass up an opportunity to build a snowman with your kids. Here’s why.

1. The Mess Stays Outside

Play D’oh. Bocks. Dollhouses. What do all of these items have in common (other than, at one time or another, each has been licked by one of your kids)? They, along with many other indoor activities, leave a giant mess inside the house that needs to be cleaned up. When you are building a snowman it’s typically outside, so you don’t have to clean up—it all just melts away. And if you are one of those rare breeds that builds indoor snowmen, I ask that you stay away from me and my family. You're what my daughters would call "cray-cray."

2. It’s Hours of Entertainment

No matter how long you’ve been packing snow into the body of a snowman, there’s always more snow you can add. Is the base big enough? No way, we can make it BIGGER! Is he tall enough? No way, we can make him TALLER! Is Dad’s right knee frozen enough from kneeling down in the snow for the past 75 minutes? No way, we can make it FROZEN-ER!

3. It Keeps Them From Trying to Eat the Snow

If your kids are like mine, they will look at snow and immediately think “I wonder what that tastes like?” without taking into consideration the germs that may be manifesting. This also applies to pool water, your toothbrush, and candy that’s fallen on the floor (the accumulated fuzz on it is apparently not a deterrent). Now I’m all for catching snowflakes on your tongue, but once it’s landed and set up shop in my yard, I consider it about as sanitary as a clogged drainpipe. So the moment they attempt to grab that first bite, yell, “Let’s make a snowman!” It's the only way to get them to pass on that snow sandwich other than bribing them with candy (fuzz optional).  

4. It Teaches Teamwork

There’s no such thing as “too many hands" patting snow at the same time. There is such a thing as too many people fighting over the bucket you’re using to transport the snow from one end of the yard to the other. Teamwork allows all the kids to carry the bucket at the same time without bickering or arguing. This will last until one of them has to pee and inevitably wants to take the bucket with them. The only solution: All kids go to the bathroom together so they can continue to each keep one hand on the bucket.

5. It Encourages Creativity

For eyes, should we use bottle caps or Connect Four piece? Should we give the snowman a scarf or stick with the traditional three-button vest down the front? Should we name him Frosty or Blizzard? All these decisions require some thinking and some discussion between you and your kids. The more you can teach kids to engage in creativity, the more likely they will be to solve problems on their own as they grow older. Also, it’s how you end up with a hat-wearing snowman named Bell Biv Devoe.

6. It Keeps Them Preoccupied So You Can Shovel the Driveway

My kids like to help me, especially when I’m doing chores. This is particularly true when I’m trying to quickly shovel snow off the driveway. But they either 1) want to use my big, heavy shovel which they can barely lift, thus not allowing me to shovel or 2) use their kid-sized shovel to lift snow and dump it right back in the spots I just cleared. When they aren’t "helping," I can typically shovel the driveway--and the sidewalks--in about 15 minutes. When they do help me, it takes so long that I’d be better served just waiting until summer for the snow to melt. By starting a snowman, the kids will continue to pack wads of snow into his side and let you shovel the driveway in peace.

7. It's Nearly Impossible to Listen to Justin Bieber When Building a Snowmen

This is a big win for parents across the world. Except for maybe Justin Bieber's mom, who probably likes hearing her son sing. (I wonder if she also likes all the pelvic thrusting he does?)

8. It’s fun.

For most of us, the opportunity to build a snowman is rare. Not every winter brings enough snow and not every snow falls at a convenient time when you aren’t working or driving the kids to dance lessons or engrossed in the most epic game of Candy Crush. You’ll create memories that you’ll discuss later in the evening over warm cups of hot cocoa and later in life when they are packing up to head back to college after Christmas break. And the big payday will come years down the road, when your children have children of their own and text you a photo of your grandkids building a snowman with the caption, “Look who came to visit our house: Bell Biv Devoe.”

GREAT GIFT FOR PARENTS:
Oh Boy, You're Having a Girl
(A Dad's Survival Guide to Raising Daughters)

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