March 1, 2011

How I Got a Forehead Hickey
(& Other Parenting-Related Injuries)

Parenting-related injuries are a part of the game. No matter how much you plan and prepare, you're bound to need a box of Band-Aids and a full roll of duct tape to repair the daily damage your kids do to your body. Here's a list of 5 common ailments all parents encounter from time to time and the likely scenarios that cause them.

Nap Bladder
The sudden need to pee the minute your child falls asleep on you.

You know the drill: After battling on the couch for 25 minutes, where you have to say things like "Stop talking!" and "Stop flopping around!" and "Stop putting your finger up my nose!" your kid finally falls asleep across your chest. You're comfortable. The kid is comfortable. "Karate Kid 2" is playing in the background. Life is perfect. And then BAM! You're bladder calls out to you:

"Hey bro, I know I could have warned when it was more convenient, but I decided it'd be funnier if I waited until now to tell you I'm about to explode. And you know what? It is pretty funny."

People without kids will say silly things like, "Just pee before you lay down." Oh, it's that simple, is it? I could dehydrate myself for days, chug a gallon of salt and pee six times before the nap—effectively draining every possible drip of water in my body—and still have to pee the minute that kid begins to snore. Most of us muscle through it so our kids get the sleep they need. But our bladders rarely recover.

Horse Knee
Deep rug burn on your knees acquired from pretending to be a pony.

When games and tea parties have worn out their welcome and the kids need something to do, they turn to Mom and she always has a brilliant idea up her sleeve: "Why don't you just ask Dad to pretend to be a pony. I'm sure he'd love to do it." After 10 laps around the house with each kid kicking at your side saying "Giddy up!," you attempt to end this game by telling your kids that pony rides aren't free and it'll cost them a quarter a ride. Once again they turn to Mom who, as luck would have it, conveniently has an endless supply of imaginary quarters—which is hard to believe considering how much money she spends on shoes.

Sneak Attack Kidney Punch
A blindsided shot to your kidney.

You're sitting on the floor minding your own business when two little fists—generally covered in something sticky—come out of nowhere and knock your kidneys senseless. The move is most painful when 1. You're not expecting it, 2. The kids get a running start and 3. It happens the minute ESPN finally starts to show the highlights of your favorite sports team's game, effectively rendering the last 47 minutes useless and forcing you to sit there for another hour until they come on again.

Lego Limp
Piercing pain on the bottom of your foot caused by stepping on a pointy toy that was left haphazardly in a highly trafficked area.

Kids never leave their soft, cuddly stuffed animals in the walkways, but they do litter the floors with every Lego, princess crown and hard, plastic Happy Meal toy they own. The sharper it is, the more likely it'll be left like a booby trap in front of one of your three favorite home amenities: the TV, the fridge or the bathroom. Many of these toys eventually become embedded in the bottom of your foot. One day the scars will be fond reminders of when your kids were little, but for now they are they number one reason you drop F-bombs.

The Forehead Hickey
Having your kids attach the suction cup side of a baby book to your forehead over and over again until it leaves a giant hickey square in the middle of your face.

It seemed like an innocent game. It ended with a week of having to explain to family, friends, coworkers and one overly inquisitive waitress why my forehead looked like someone sucked on it for an hour. Not even duct tape could remedy this one.

Oh Boy, You're Having a Girl
(A Dad's Survival Guide to Raising Daughters)

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jennifer said...

just wanted to let you know that i STILL laugh hysterically everytime i think about this. it was totally the highlight of my week :)

Anonymous said...

Officially member of the bob white club with this injury!!

Anonymous said...

Officially member of the bob white club with this injury!!

Corinne said...

The other one I'm sure we've all experienced are those pointy and painful kid knees and elbows jabbed directly to the ribs as they climb up on you to have some cozy snuggle time right when you thought you could have some cozy me time that didn't involve other bodies! Love your blog! Corinne

Belly (Liz McLennan) said...

Lego Limp - Oh, how I laughed, when I read this! Every. single. word is true.

Ain't the journey grand?

Amanda Hoving said...

That sad thing is that insurance doesn't cover any of these. Except maybe the forehead hickey, because, you know, that's TRAUMA right there.

kayden said...

Very funny, I'm still laughing . . . I think I'll read it again.

Anonymous said...

Came here from your article on writer's digest. And this is funny!
Create, Collaborate, Publish

Unknown said...

This is just what I've been looking for as a dad, thanks Brian.

Unknown said...

Lego Limp...that is a good one, the number of times this has happened to me is just not funny. I have just been reading your article on humor writing ( was wondering if you ever do book reviews? I am promoting a book by a new author, Edward Bison, and I be really interested in what you think. The book is Mr Bison's Journal - I could send you the e-book. It is a compilation of short stories and observations and a very easy read...a kind of dip into dip out of sort of book.