June 30, 2011

The 12 Most Common Ways to Successfully Hold a Baby

Holding a baby in your arms is like embracing a fresh bag of Nacho Cheese Doritos. You don't want to squeeze it too hard, you don't want to hold it upside down, you don't want to drop it and, whatever you do, don't lick it.

Four years ago I knew absolutely nothing about holding a baby. I was terrified that somehow, someway I'd break our newborn child. After all, babies are wiggly and slippery. So I'd wrap those babies in bubble wrap, surround myself with couch cushions and then carefully ask my wife to stand under my arms with a pillow-filled laundry basket (just in case). It was tough at first, but after a few years of practice on my older daughters, my dropping percentage decreased by 72% —which was good because bubble wrap was getting expensive.

Now that I'm on baby No. 3, I'm a pro. I can hold babies with the best of them. I don't mean to brag, but if there were a baby-holding competition I'd be sure to receive a very lovely Participant ribbon. That's why I want to share my wisdom with you to make sure you know the names and positions of the 12 Most Common Ways Dads Can Successfully Hold a Baby. Many of you will know what I'm talking about. And for those who don't, prepare to put your learning cap on.

The "Rest Her On Your Beer Belly" Hold

The "Hide Your Beer Belly" Hold

The "Your Wife Is Going To Yell At You For Letting the Baby's Head Dangle" Hold

The "My Scoliosis is Finally Paying Off" Hold

The "I'm So Tired That I Accidentally Picked Up The Wrong Kid" Hold

The "My Other Kid Saw Me Accidentally Pick Up Her Sister
And Now Wants to Be Picked Up Too" Hold

 The "I Think She's a Football" Hold

The "Learning to Fly" Hold

The "Practicing Our Father-Daughter Wedding Dance" Hold

The "Oh My, Did She Just Crap in my Hand" Hold

The "We're Upset the Bullpen Blew It" Hold

The "Perfect" Hold


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4 comments:

Zeba Siddiqui said...

Hahaha, what a lovely lovely post! Your baby is super cute.

Que Fregados said...

Thank you for making me smile!! But I am still terrified of holding babies despite the lessons learned today from your post :P.

Juliann Wetz said...

I love the "Scoliosis Finally Paid Off" hold. I'm still laughing out loud.

Great blog post!

Cameron said...

Man this would have been helpful a year ago! HAHAHA