12 Things I'm Thankful For

With Thanksgiving here, I asked my daughters what they were most thankful for. My eldest daughter said "Family," a wise decision by someone who was plotting her way to negotiate a second piece of chocolate from the after-dinner candy bowl. My middle daughter said "light," another good choice because without it we'd have to play on the iPad in the dark—and that's just barbaric! And my youngest daughter, who is a mature 2 ½ years old, said she is most thankful for "Farts."

(Though I'm unclear if she meant her own or others'.)

I have a lot to be thankful for this year. My wife and kids are healthy. I had my first book published and it's selling amazingly well. I rubbed elbows with Nick Clooney, father of George Clooney, which means George and I are practically BFFs now. I moved into a new wonderful house after saying goodbye to an old wonderful house. Really, I'm not short on things to be thankful for.

So I've made a list. I want something to help me remember all these wonderful things, that way the next time my daughters are in the car screaming at each other at the top of their lungs over who gets to use the pink Magna Doodle and who gets "stuck" with the brown one, I can reference my list, smile and know that life is too good for me to pull over and leave them on the side of the road.

Here's what I'm thankful for:

I'm thankful for the "like" button on Facebook. Without it, I'm unsure how I would ever be able to judge my self worth.

I am thankful for walk-in closets. They provide ample room to camouflage this giant body during epic games of hide and seek.

I am thankful for Christmas music in August. How else would I know that Christmas is only 4 months away!

I am thankful for church. I mean, if God can't keep my kids quiet for an hour, what hope do I have?

I am thankful for eggnog breath. When my wife is out of line, I have very few resources to punish her. But thanks to two glorious months around the holidays, her unfathomable dislike of eggnog and three daughters who absolutely LOVE eggnog, I can keep her in check.

I am thankful for having a first name that is easy to spell correctly because, apparently, my last name is impossible to spell correctly. It's true. Just ask anyone who's ever sent me junk mail. (And they wonder why I never respond to their free-trails.)

I am thankful for naptime. This needs no explanation.

I am thankful for Movember. Prostate Cancer is a serious thing and we need to find a cure. Also, it gives me an excuse to do this.

I am thankful for Candy Crush. Without it, I'm not sure what my wife would do with all her free time. (Perhaps she could learn to acquire a taste for eggnog?)

I am thankful for Advil, which helps relieve the back pain from trying to hold kids over public restroom toilets without letting any part of them actually touch public restroom toilets.

I am thankful for my family and friends. From my wife to my kids to my mom to my grandparents to my sister (and her family) to my in-laws (and their families) to my aunts, uncles, cousins, friends from grade school, high school, college, Chicago and more—you all left 5-Star reviews of my book Oh Boy, You're Having a Girl on Amazon, right? Right? If not, you're all dead to me.

And finally …

I'm thankful for you, the reader, and the generous time you spend reading my blog. Whether you're reading it at home, at work, or in the bathroom, or if you just leave it open in your browser all the time to hide all the porn from your spouse, know that I am forever grateful that you turn to this site for a few laughs.  

Happy Thanksgiving. 

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