What Every Dad Wants for Father's Day

Every year my wife asks me what I want for Father’s Day. This is a courtesy question of course, much like “Do you like this outfit?¹” and “Do you think you could stop leaving globs of toothpaste in the sink? ².” My answer doesn’t matter—Father’s Day has already been planned out months in advance. Half the day is spent with my family, half the day spent with my wife’s. So I generally give a generic answer like, “Anything is fine by me” or “As long as we’re eating some kind of grilled meat today, I’m good.”

But let me tell all the wives out there a little secret: There is something that dads want for Father’s Day. It’s not a “#1 Dad” mug or the chance to sleep in or Diamond Club tickets to Great American Ballpark (though we certainly wouldn’t turn any of those down). What dads really want for Father’s Day is recognition of how awesome we are. That’s all. It may sound silly, but it’s the truth.

Now I know what you’re thinking: How will I possibly get the kids to do this in time for Father’s Day? I mean, it’s been nearly 6 months and they still haven’t completed their Christmas thank-you cards! Have no fear, my motherly friends. To help you out I’ve taken the liberty to write the letter for you. Just have the kids sign it and give it to your husband. You’re welcome.

Dear Dad,

Over the past year it has become abundantly clear that you are, without a doubt, the coolest human being we’ve ever known. You are even cooler than the iPad that we fight over every second of every day. We were going to buy you a tie that plays music to thank you for being our dad, but instead decided to save that cash and deposit it into a Money Market account that gets prime plus one. Pretty awesome, huh? We also wanted to take a moment to let you know what we love about you.

First and foremost, we love that you enjoy snuggling with us on the couch and that you rarely complain when we dig our elbows into your sternum in our efforts to get comfortable. We recognize that this shifting can take up to 25 minutes, but once the proper comfort-level is reached, we know you are just as happy as we are—regardless of whether or not you can see the book that we’ve asked you to read.

We love that you show infinite patience when we need it most, like when we accidentally got marker on the couch and when we broke the remote control to the TV, leaving it permanently stuck on Dora for the entire month of February. We promise to show this same patience in the coming year by accepting your responses to questions like “Are we there yet?” and “Why can’t we eat at McDonalds every night? ” instead of asking them 17 times per minute.

We love that you bare superhero strength, which we appreciate each time we fall asleep in the car and you carry us up to bed. We’re not sure how you stay so strong, as your only source of exercise (other than carrying us) seems to be lifting up the couch so we can clear out all the toys that keep ending up under it. We’re honestly unclear on how they get there in the first place, though we suspect mom is to blame.

We love how rational you are and, based on all the useless facts you know, we are convinced that you must be the smartest person alive not named Doc McStuffins. You prove this time and time again as you can tell us the jersey number of every ballplayer who ever played for your favorite baseball team, including Todd Benzinger and Wily Mo Pena. (And yes, we know you know that the answers are #25 and #26, respectively) It’s this wisdom that we shall strive to emulate in school, in life and, most important, in our future fantasy sports leagues.

We appreciate how hard you work to provide us with things, like a food, shelter and Disney on Ice tickets. We also know how tired you are when you get home, so we promise to work a little harder and clean up our stuff so your feet aren’t subjected to landmines and Lego Limp. Most of all, though, we want you to know that we appreciate how much you love us and take care of us. No matter how busy or exhausted you are, you still make time to play with us and read to us and sing to us at bedtime. Your special blend of hugs and kiss magically heal everything from scraped knees to sadness, and you’re calm composed manner always eases our worries. Also, we know that you occasionally take a dive when playing Candy Land. Thanks for that.

Finally, we love you so much that we promise that, on this special day dedicated to dads, we will be on our best behavior. We also promise to spend the day quoting your favorite movies, like The Sandlot. For example: ”For-ev-ver” and “Heroes get remembered, but Legends never die.”

Dad, you are a hero and a legend. You are also tall.

Love,
Your Kids

Your husband will be so excited to get a letter like this that he will forget about all the stressful things that went into Father’s Day. He will also forget about this letter by Wednesday, so you can reuse it year after year. That’s right, it’s the gift that keeps on giving. Of course, if you already bought the Diamond Club tickets send them my way. After all, no sense in letting them go to waste.

¹ It doesn’t matter what you say, she’s going to change and make you late.
² Red alert: This isn’t a question, it’s most likely a passive aggressive way to get you to stop leaving globs of toothpaste in the sink.  Whatever you do, don't pat her butt.

* This post originally appeared on one of my favorite sites, Family Friendly Cincinnati.


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10 Things Dads Want to Avoid on Father's Day

Most days of the year I'm required to do the backbreaking work that all dads are required to do, the kind of work that really wears us out—like mow the lawn, scrub the toilets, lift the heavy things, pee standing up. But there's one day—one glorious, magnificent, brilliant day—that I, along with every other dad on the planet, look forward to more than any other day of the year:

National Donut Day, which, as my wife and daughters completely forgot, is celebrated on the first Friday of June. Because they missed the boat on this important holiday—trust me, there were no glazed donuts to be found when glazed donuts were needed—I will have to settle for a little extra celebration on the second best day of the year: Father's Day.

It's worth noting that this is only my third official Father's Day where I've been on the receiving end, so by most standards I'm still a rookie. But like most dads, I didn't need too many under my belt before I understood the true meaning of it. Father's Day isn't about getting what you want; it's about avoiding things—things that wear on your psyche the other 364 days of the year.

So I'm taking a preemptive stand for dads from coast to coast to make sure we get the Father's Day we need. Instead of allowing our wives and kids to sit around, deciding our day for us, I've developed a list of guidelines for our loved ones to follow to make this day the special day that it should be. Here are the Top 10 Things Dads Want to Avoid on Father's Day.

#1 We want to avoid: The morning aroma of anything other than crisp, flavor-filled, fresh-from-the-oven bacon strips. We would like it to be on our breakfast plates, in our juice and used in sentimental gifts from the kids. (Also not opposed to bacon lingerie.)

#2 We want to avoid: Accidental head-butts to the groin.

#3 We want to avoid: Intentional head-butts to the groin.

#4 We want to avoid: Anything on TV that doesn't involve sports, World War II or the musically-delightful high school series "Glee." (Seriously, "Glee" is pretty awesome.)

#5 We want to avoid: Having to wear anything other than our favorite t-shirt/shorts combo, even if its current cleanliness status is unclear.

#6 We want to avoid: Getting yelled at for farting in public. We should be granted a one-day Father's Day exemption. We should also be allowed to high-five others when we do it.

#7 We want to avoid: Mentions of Justin Beiber.

#8 We want to avoid: Gossip. And before someone says it, I better clear this up now: MajorLeagueBaseball.com confirms that trade rumors are classified as "discussion" not "gossip." So I recommend coming to lunch equipped with at least three for "discussion."

#9 We want to avoid: Being interrupted from our Father's Day nap.

#10 We want to avoid: Spending money. You want to put a permanent smile on our faces? Show us a bank account that's higher than it was the day before. This is the gift that keeps on giving (interest).

There you have it—a simple guide to delivering your dad a great Father's Day. If you love him, you'll abide by this list. And if you really love him, you won't forget a dozen glazed on the first Friday of June next year.

The Life of Dad is updated every other Friday (barring the call of family duties). Thanks for stopping by and following my attempts to be a good dad, husband and co-ed softball player. I hope you visit again. -- Brian