November 19, 2010

Growing a Mustache: The Second Trimester
(and How to Create a Mustache Registry)

Now that I've made it through the first trimester and have told my boss that I'm growing a mustache, I'm starting to feel more confident. I'm smiling more. Some may even say I've developed a special "glow" that follows me around. If those people got closer they'd realize it's actually a gas cloud.

For the most part, my early symptoms are gone and I've moved into the second trimester. I'm now experiencing sudden bursts of energy, which I use to point at myself in the mirror and wink. My muscles are growing—a side bonus that comes with a mustache—and my voice, which has always been a solid baritone, has dipped into Barry White territory.

It's not all fun and games, though. I'm moodier. I'm over-emotional. I have to pee A TON. The rest of my face, who originally were excited and star-struck by the presence of the mustache, are now resentful of the special attention it gets and no longer talking to it. In fact, the only facial feature still willing to mingle with my mustache are my nose hairs—and that's because they have no other friends.

But I prefer not to focus on the negatives, especially when a party is in the horizon!

During the second trimester of the mustache, it's common for friends and family to want to throw you a Mustache Shower. A Mustache Shower is a party where folks "shower" you with gifts to help you care for and raise your mustache. Sometimes the host of the Mustache Shower will provide hors d'oeuvres or sometimes a full meal—either way, you can generally count on a pork product of some type.

In order for folks to know what to buy, I decided to start a Mustache Registry. I searched the Web for practical ideas, but there were no lists to be found. Not a one. After hours of research I became convinced that the U.S. government banned all online mentions of a Mustache Registry (thanks a lot, Patriot Act!). Still unsure of what I needed, I turned where everyone turns when they need help answering a question that only the most brilliant of minds can answer: Facebook.

Thanks to my social network, I came up with a killer list. And even though I may get flogged by the feds, I thought it was only right I took a stand and shared it with everyone (in case you're invited to my Mustache Shower).

Brian's Mustache Registry:
  • Mustache comb
  • Mustache trimmer
  • Long, fluffy robe
  • Massage oils
  • Shag carpeting
  • Aviator glasses
  • Powder Blue Leisure Suit
  • A bearskin rug and a cigarette
  • NRA Membership
  • Shoulder holster with Gun
  • Tight Jeans
  • Trucker Hat
  • Unibomber hooded sweatshirt
  • Patent Leather Platform Shoes
  • Trench coat that opens and closes quickly (I didn't even know they came with that option!)
  • Velour Jogging Suit
  • Razors
  • Hawaiian shirt and Detroit Tigers hat
  • Flannel
  • Coach Shorty Shorts
  • A Subscription to Hustler
  • Leather vests
  • Brown bell-bottom corduroy suit, with mustard paisley shirt
  • A Chicago Accent (Wonder if Rosetta Stone can teach me to say "Da Bears")
  • Smokey and the Bandit DVD, collector's edition
  • Hulkamania do-rag
  • Nintendo Wii (it's about the only way my wife will allow me to get one)
The reality of the mustache has really hit me. All joking aside, it's a life-changing event that can't be taken lightly—nor should it. It's not a right, it's a privilege—and a big responsibility.

If only growing a mustache were as easy as raising kids.

Anything missing from my list that you think should be on a Mustache Registry? Add it in the comments section.

Also, don't forget to check out my daily progress and diary by visiting
the About Movember tab at the top or by clicking here.

Reasons Not to Grow a Mustache:  
You suffer from a severe case of Folicuphobia: a fear of mustaches. It's not recognized by most medical journals, but hey, what do they know.

Reasons to Grow a Mustache: 

The Life of Dad is updated every week. Thanks for stopping by and following my attempts to be a good dad, husband and co-ed softball player. I hope you visit again. -- Brian


Anonymous said...

Umpire style tight shorts and knee high white socks with a yellow and green stripe atop.:) kev might still have a pair of both u can borrow. He def has the socks.

Anonymous said...

A police officer costume... And Super Troopers DVD..Or go for the Reno 911 Costume...either way, you need some kind of peace officer costume..Oh and if you get the Wii, make sure you get the snazy black one, its pretty :) Mine matches my PS3

Richard Majece said...

I am sure that peace is very important today. I even wrote an essay about it and advices from were really useful for me.