Growing a Mustache Week 1: The First Trimester

When I first hatched the idea to grow a mustache for Movember, I received a lukewarm response from my wife. Sure, she had dreamed of one day marrying the type of man who had a good job, would treat her well and could raise a happy, healthy mustache. But she still saw the mustache as something we weren't ready for yet. Something we weren't financially prepared for. She made excuses as to why now wasn't the right time:

• I'm too focused on my career to give it the kind of attention it needs. 
• I'm nervous to bring anything into the world in THIS economy. 
• What will the kids think of the new addition?
• Are you sure we're mature enough to raise a mustache?

As if these same concerns hadn't crossed my mind; but it was time to throw those worries away. At 31 years, I was not getting any younger. My mustache clock was ticking. It. Was. Time. With a little help from our good friend, Cabernet Sauvignon, my wife and I agreed—together—to take the leap. So on Halloween we kissed for the last time as DINMs (Double Income, No Mustaches).

The next morning our prayers were answered and my upper lip tested positive for mustache growth. We were so happy! I called family and friends to share the good word. I posted to Facebook for the entire world to see. I even attempted to create a Twitter account to "tweet" our news, though apparently MustacheMania had already been taken.

At first I felt like a superstar because everyone showered me with compliments. "I'm so happy for you guys," they'd say. "Couldn't have happened to a nicer couple." Women gave us hugs. Men would give me the half-handshake, half-hug. Some weathered men, who watched their own mustaches grow up over the years, shared tales about how their little ones eventually fell in love with a pretty little razor and left home—much to the heartbreak of their family. Even one guy joked that, after 35 years, his mustache was still living under his roof, living by his rules.

When the excitement of the news finally died down a bit, the symptoms started kicking in. Fatigue. Nausea. An urge to crush beer cans on my head. I noticed changes—emotionally and physically. Emotionally: I wanted to yell extra loud at the TV as my favorite sports teams fumbled their ways into crushing defeats. I wanted to say "Nice buns" and wink at my wife each time she waltzed by me (though I used all my willpower to refrain). Physically: I started retaining water, not to mention the fact that my potatoes began to swell.

This process was proving more difficult than I had originally thought.

Next came the hunger cravings: mostly big slabs of meat, Slim Jims and jelly (who knew?). I drank more beer—and none of that light stuff, only the calorie-filled leaded beer—because it helps fertilize the mustache for thicker growth. And, just as the doctor recommended, I cut back on watching "Glee"—part because musicals can stunt growth and cause mustache defects, part because it was a rerun this week.

Luckily for me, I didn't have to face these early challenges alone. My daughters—bless their hearts—did their best to comfort me, giving me hugs and kisses, while offering to grow their own mustaches in a sign of support (I didn't have the heart to tell them, but it's the thought that counts). They also generously offered to "watch as many episodes of Dora as needed in order to stay out of my hair." Bless their hearts indeed.

As I near the end of week one, I've noticed many of the symptoms are fading away. The morning sickness is gone, and some even say I now have a special glow about me, an extra skip in my step. I'm beginning to see some results and, according to the medical journals, the growth is in line with what's to be expected during the mustache's first trimester. And from what most men tell me, it only gets better from here.

I wonder if that means I can start watching "Glee" again?

Also, don't forget to check out my daily progress and diary by visiting the About Movember tab at the top or by clicking here. 

Reasons Not to Grow a Mustache:  

Your girlfriend already has one—and it's nicer than yours.

Reasons to Grow a Mustache: 

Tom Selleck

The Life of Dad is updated every week. Thanks for stopping by and following my attempts to be a good dad, husband and co-ed softball player. I hope you visit again. -- Brian